Dinah, Genesis 34

Dinah, Genesis 34 ver. 1.0.2

Not Proactive, Not Assertive, Ignorant of Hormones

11/2/2018

http:gadflyblog.com/tag/dinah

Copyright 2018

 

Introduction

 Genesis 34 is a lesson in the consequences of being ignorant of the hormones that the Creator of the Universe planted in each and every one of us – being ignorant of the human benefits of hybridization.  The resulting consequences of non-proactive, non-assertive communications to others, specifically to those with authority over the situation at hand, can be devastating.

The Setting

Jacob, the son of Isaac, deceived his father into giving him the birthrights of his twin brother Esau.  His brother had sworn to kill him for this deception.  Jacob’s mother, Rebecca, the sister of Laban, had told Jacob to go to her brother’s home in Padden Aram and find a wife from his own family’s line. Jacob met Rachel, the younger sister of Leah.  It was love at first sight for Jacob.  Jacob had asked Laban to give him Rachel for his wife.

The following statements are not in the Bible, but probably should have been and probably would have if the writers were knowledgeable of Adlerian Psychology. Jacob was raised in his family as the younger brother of his twin brother Esau.  Rachel was raised as the younger sister of Leah.

When choosing a mate, one should consider matching skill packages. [i]  Each of us have a skill package that consists of the innate, knowledge of the hybridized DNA of our parents and the environmental knowledge we gained from growing up in our family of origin. In addition, we possess the knowledge that we learned from our experiences in life and our own personal studies that we have undertaken. [ii]

From Dr. Leman, the “lastborns” in a family (in this case, Jacob and Rachel) whose characteristics would be impulsive and not organized in their behavior; they would be perceptive and feeling free of the restraints of the culture in which they are living; they would be more focused on the overall picture than on the details.  Leah, on the other hand, would be considered as a firstborn with firstborn characteristics which are: organized, pays attention to the details, obeys all the rules of their society, assertive (50 percent chance, but with a same sex sister of less that five years age difference, probable). Although I’m sure Laban did not possess this detailed information on his daughters, he certainly knew the characteristics of his daughters and had made an assessment of the characteristics of Jacob.

Therefore, Laban, in making an effort to match Jacob up with the daughter with the complimentary skill package to Jacob, made the offer to give Jacob Rachel as his wife after Jacob has worked as an indentured servant to him for seven years.  Seven years of getting to know Jacob would give Laban time to assess Jacob’s skill package.  After the seven years of servitude, Jacob was awarded Rachel to be his wife.  After the marriage ceremony, Jacob returned to his tent and under the cover of darkness Laban slipped Leah in with Jacob. In the light of the morning sun and after Jacob had “come inside of Leah” (Bible language for sexual intercourse), he was shocked that he had taken Leah as his wife as sexual intercourse was the consummation of the marriage. Jacob confronted Laban on the switching of sisters.  Laban offered Rachel to Jacob after the wedding week of seven days for another seven years of indentured servitude.  After another seven years to pay his debt for Rachel, Jacob agreed to another seven years of indentured service to acquire assets for his family.  Using his ingenuity, Jacob increased his herd of sheep and other assets at the expense of Laban.

Jacob then had it in mind to return to his family and make peace with his twin brother Esau.  Jacob accomplished that mission and took up residence separate from his family of origin.  Jacob had six sons by his wife Leah and then Dinah was born, the only girl in a family with a total of twelve sons. When Dinah was a young teenager, her body changed right on schedule. Her hormones took control of her mind and body and it was time to find a mate.  Evidently stating that she is off to meet other women in the area, she ends up with Shechem, the son of Hamor, the Hivite.  She undoubtedly performed her female magic on this young man and he ended up “violating her” (sexual intercourse before marriage).

Dinah’s brothers heard of this incident and became enraged at this young man.  The young man agreed to take Dinah as his wife, but the brothers did not agree, as this society had very different social customs than their clan.  The brothers agreed to this marriage only if all the men in this clan became circumcised as they were.  When the whole clan was circumcised and still in pain, two of Dinah’s brothers attacked this clan with their swords (for this era they would be made of brass) and killed all the men in the clan and seized all their property, wives and children, as their plunder.

During this whole episode, Dinah was silent of her activities in this “violation of her virginity.”  Dinah was not proactive, not assertive, and made no mention of her involvement in these activities.  This situation seemed to follow the protocols for a “shotgun wedding” or “how to get a husband the desperate female way,” when her mind and body were under the control of her hormones which were placed in her by the Creator of the Universe.

The Take Away Lesson

 When someone assumes a non-assertive, passive position, holding back facts that could benefit an accused person or group of persons, may result in causing great harm, pain and suffering to these accused persons to whom your voice could have prevented judgment; it is this judgment that results in pain and suffering of the accused.

Project Your Voice

 The Creator of the Universe gave us a diaphragm located below our stomach.  This organ is used to push air over the vocal cords and into the resonate cavity, a.k.a. our mouth cavity.  The larger the resonate cavity, the greater the volume of air that is moved and the louder the sound of speech and singing. Opening this resonate cavity (the mouth) widely allows the expelled air to interact with the air around us, producing a sound wave that travels to the ear drum of the listener, where it is converted to electrical signals and is heard in the brain as speech or singing. Observe the news reporter on the television.  See how wide they open their mouths when speaking. This process is known as “voice projection.” It should be used when communicating with any person or group that is father away from the speaker than a coffee shop table.  This voice projection will enable you to come to anyone’s defense and put forth your own observations of the events at hand.

Practice, Practice, Practice

Learning how to project your voice is no different than learning any activity; the key word is practice.  Here is an illustration of how to start this voice projection process.  Put your hand on top of your stomach while seated in a chair.  Bend over until your hand is touching your legs.  This action will cause the diaphragm to move in and out. Transfer this motion to a standing position and push your belly button out and then slowly retract the belly button, expelling air out of your mouth.  Now there is no excuse for not speaking up when you can provide insight or evidence to any situation – even in a classroom where it would improve the flow of information. If the speaker asked to be recognized by the group leader before speaking, that would also improve the interactions of the group.

Predestination

 The Creator of the Universe, “God,” has predestined all activities in His universe, including when to find a mate to reproduce the species.  These hormones are released into the body at the proper time by the brain, where the creator is present, [iii]  at the control center for our bodies. “God has provided a way for all life, but man strives to find his own way.” [iv] It is this acceptance of what has been predestined by the Creator that brings peace to the mind and to the Earth.

Dinah’s Story

 Dinah was at the age where her hormones would be in control of her mind and body.   Finding a mate to reproduce the species had become her priority.  Inbreeding, such as was performed by Abraham and Sara, his sister, combines DNA with faulty genes to be passed down to the next generation. Hybridizing with a mate outside of the family of origin, any another than is a first cousin, can eliminate the faulty genetic factor from the DNA sequence, resulting in descendants who are stronger and more resistant to diseases, viruses and microorganisms to which the human species is subjected.  Compare these facts with the history of purebred canines being more susceptible to these listed illnesses than mutts (hybridized canines)!

Dinah was on the right path to finding a mate outside of her twelve brothers.  But when the relationship with her perspective mate exceeded her expectations, she did not inform her brothers of her complicity in the situation, resulting in the death of all the males in this clan!  It is this writer’s experience with adult singles groups that the single ladies often chose the leader of the group, if he is also single and available, for their prospective mate, therefore, it is reasonable that Dinah would chose the leader of the Hivite Clan’s son for a mate.  One can only speculate on how the slaughter of her prospective mate and his clam by her two brothers affected her emotionally; this had to be a devastating experience for her.  She just wanted to find a mate outside her clan of brothers!  Just like all the mammals in God’s kingdom, she chose who she thought had the best genes to pass on down to her offspring.

He who has ears, let them hear.

[i]                   Dr. Kevin Leman drlamen.com

[ii]                  Robert C. Solomon, ”Introduction to Philosophy”, Pub. Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1986

[iii]                 Marvin Meyer, Editor, “The Nag Hammadi Scriptures”, “Gospel of Mary” (Magdalene), Pub.    HarperOne, 2007, P 742

[iv]                 The Bible, Proverbs 16

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School and Public Shootings in the USA, a Solution

 

 

School and Public Shootings in the USA, a Solution

The Top Gun National Crises Troubleshooter, Retired

https://gadflyblog.com/tag/shootings

6/17/2018

Bullies

On examination of previous school and public shootings, the term “bullies” has come up possibly as a common denominator.  Given that “bullies” are at the root of the cause of these shootings, I hereby submit my proposal for mitigation of these shooting incidents in the USA.

 

At the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory (LLNL) in my past experience (18 years ago) and a local church (current to date), I have noticed that the number of persons developing the “only-child syndrome” in regard to the bully complex has increased.  The number of “only children has increased dramatically in the past twenty years. This could explain the increase in school violence, as more bully and more passive aggressive personalities would result in more conflict.

 

During my last several years at LLNL, I was often paired up with the new employees that were exhibiting this bully communication style, since I had been through the special training to transform an aggressive communicator to an assertive Communicator (for good reasons).   The basic tip-off that I was dealing with an only child bully was that, on meeting them the first time, or sometime after, they would hit me with a blast of criticism. Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a separate chapter in his latest book on the subject, titled The Lonely Only: Super Firstborn Only Children. [i] In it, he listed the Strengths and Weaknesses of Only Children. [ii]

Assertive communicators make very good team players and the basic group at LLNL could be termed a “task force to accomplish a mission.”  A synopsis of the methods used to transform the bullies to an assertive communicator is given below.

 

Proposal to Mitigate Public Shootings

 

Communication Styles

 

The pundits of communication have identified four styles of communication that pretty much describe all of our citizens.  They are identified by four different characteristics.

 

Passive Aggressive Submissive Assertive Aggressive
You win; I lose, but I will get you back You win; I lose You win; I win I win; you lose
Snake-in-the-grass Doormats Adults Tyrant
Loser to tyrant Child to adult Adult to adult Adult to child

Becoming a Passive Aggressive, Submissive or Aggressive communicator is a function of birth-order and environmental knowledge learned early in life (less than six years old).  Becoming an Assertive Communicator is a function of training and education.   A slight modification of this standard chart to accommodate the Bullies in our schools and society is as follows:

Passive Aggressive Submissive Assertive Aggressive
You win; I lose, but I will get you back You win; I lose You win; I win I win; you lose
Snakes in the Grass Child to adult Adult to adult Tyrant to child,  only child syndrome
Shooters Doormats Adults Bullies

 

At the LLNL, (in my past experience) dealing with bullies was a standard and common practice. LLNL is well known for allowing only the best and the brightest through the front door.  Academically, the firstborns in their family and only children or children raised as only children (functional only children) were typically at the top of their class in college, [iii] Therefore, LLNL was made up of personnel that were predominately in these two categories, and therefore it was not unusual for LLNL to have a significant number of bullies.  This situation was mitigated by having an on-contract professional communication specialist who conducted seminars at LLNL.  When a bully made themselves known to management, they were encouraged to attend these communication seminars.

 

The following could be called the Ten Commandments (Ten Guidelines) for communication.  The objective for all of society, including schools, is to become assertive communicators (You win; I win). 

 

Interpersonal Communication Techniques Explained [iv] 

“It  doesn’t matter how you became what you are; this is what works.Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D.

(1) Broken Record: A skill, by calm repetition – saying what you want over and over again – teaches persistence without you having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be ‘up’ for dealing with others.

Effect: Allows you to feel comfortable in ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, while sticking to your desired point.

(2) Fogging: A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do.

Example: That’s true. I …”

Effect: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism.

(3) Free Information: A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person.

Effect: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves.

(4) Negative Assertion: A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities.

Effect: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing our critic’s anger or hostility.

Example:You didn’t do too well in (criticism).” “You’re right. I wasn’t too smart in the way I handled that, was I?” “That was a dumb thing for me to do.” Use this technique in non-legal matters ONLY!

(5) Negative Inquiry: A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative), while prompting your critic to be more assertive and less dependent on manipulative ploys.

 Effect: Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communication.

Example: “What was it about … that is wrong?”  “What was it that I … that was wrong?”

(6) Self-Disclosure: A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation.

Effect: Allows you comfortably to disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt.”

Example: “I like …” or “I don’t like …”, etc.

(7) Workable compromise: In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self-respect is not in question, to offer a workable compromise to the other person.  You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect.  If the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth, however, there can be no compromise.

(8) Reflective or Active Listening

Reflective or active listening serves a couple of purposes.  1) The target summarizes or paraphrases what the verbal bully is saying and confirms their complaint or position.  2) The target is given time to think of their response.  This technique is something like counting to ten before returning the punch!  3) If the verbal bully is attacking with a question, repeat or rephrase the question, and then answer the question.  This technique also allows the target time to think before responding. This technique is sometimes used by politicians, only they may even go so far as to change the question to one they can answer!

(9) Expand Your Repertoire of Emotional Words

 

 

(10) Find or Organize a Group to Practice these New Communication Skills

 

11) Pass on Your New Communication Skills to Someone Else.

 

Discussion

 

The big question is: can these assertive communication techniques change the personalities of the aggressive bullies and the passive aggressive shooters? Will the aggressive and the passive aggressive use these techniques to advance their own agendas? An alternative would be to place the only children who tend to be aggressive in the same classes so they are matched with students of the same aggressive personalities. In the 1980’s, China enacted their “One Child Only” policy. That would mean that China is ahead of the USA in dealing with these aggressive personalities, as all the children in China would be only children. However, as Dr. Kevin Leman has observed, “When it comes to finding the perfect mate, only children are like vanilla ice cream—they go together with everything, except another only child.” [v] It looks like China has recognized this trend of incapability of two only children as mates and has enacted a new policy of two-child families. However, this policy will not produce the middle born peace-keepers and natural negotiators.

 

As purposed in an earlier letter, a task force could be assembled at a local church consisting of persons who have been members of the Explorers group for several years. This group could act as a pilot program for proof of principle and a problem-solving task force. My observation is that at least one of these members is an only child who has been through these assertive training programs, along with a much younger only child involved in the education system. Therefore, this mix of personalities should produce a successful task force.

[i] Dr. Kevin Leman, “The Birth Order Book” “Why you Are the Way You Are”, Pub. Revell, 2009, Chapter 7

[ii] Ibid p 147

[iii] Ibid

[iv] Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D., “When I say no, I feel guilty”, Bantam Books, 1975, pp 323-324

[v] http://drleman.com/

 

National Security and Worship

National Security and Worship

“The Top Gun National Crises Troubleshooter”, Retired

https://gadflyblog.com/tag/worship

4/28/2018

 

The purpose of this letter is to keep you in the loop of discussions concerning National Security and Worship.  I am presently in discussions with two groups: The Task Force at a local community church and a young pastor (with a college age son) connected with the Southern Baptist Convention.  In regard to justification for “Worship”, both these groups brought forward I Timothy (Paul passing the Gospel Baton to the much younger Timothy) as justification for “Worship”.

As a National Crises Troubleshooter for the past 55 years (with a short break for college where I graduated at the top of my class and received an offer to come to Livermore at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory where I earned the reputation as “The Top Gun National Crises Troubleshooter”), my interests, of course, include national security.  I learned about national security of the Israelite nation while teaching fourth grade Sunday school at TC.  It appears the Israelites had a slight problem understanding the guidelines that were given to them that would have made their new nation successful.  It also appears the Apostles had a slight problem with understanding the instructions that the messenger (the Representative of the Creator of the Universe, or “RoCoU”) they called Jesus gave to them on His exit from this planet Earth.

The Time Line:

  • The Israelites took the Ten Guidelines for a successful nation as literal commands.
  • The Israelites actually made a religion around these Ten Guidelines they took as Ten Commandments.
  • The Israelites were overrun by their neighbors the Babylonians and their elites forced into exile.
  • While in exile, the Israelite elites recorded the first five books of the Old Testament, which included their Ten Commandments.
  • The Israelites were allowed to return to their destroyed homeland and rebuild.
  • The Israelites were conquered by the Romans.
  • The RoCoU came to Earth as a seed in a virgin called Mary.
  • He grew up in this Israelite community now controlled by the Romans.
  • On obtaining the age of about thirty, He took on his assignment to form a task force that would take his teachings throughout the world.
  • After about three years of teaching and forming this task force, He put into action the path to return back to his home somewhere in the universe.
  • To travel through empty space, His body had to change from matter into energy.  This new body form would enable Him to leave this planet and make His way back home. He had to die and resurrect from the dead to change into this new body form of energy. [i]
  • After His resurrection from the dead and before leaving this planet, He instructed his followers to: “Go then, preach the good news about the kingdom.  Do not lay down any rule beyond what I determined for you, nor promulgate law like the lawgivers or else you might be dominated by it.[ii]
  • What this RoCoU, who they called Jesus, taught his followers during his time on Earth would now be called a paradigm shift.  A new paradigm is not dependent on the old or existing paradigm but is entirely a new way of interpreting the exiting data. [iii]
  • The followers of the RoCoU – the Apostles including Paul (Saul) – could not separate this new paradigm from the old or existing paradigm and what they brought to the world was a hybrid of the old and new paradigm.  In other words, they put their own perspective (spin) on the teachings of the RoCoU.
  • The four books that are now available that present the teachings of the RoCoU without adding their own perspective (spin) to the evidence are: Mark, Luke I & II (also known as Acts), the Gospel of Thomas (thought possibly to be one of the “Q” sources, which was a hypothetical first century list of Jesus’s sayings referenced by both Mathew and Luke, (with a wide range of possible dates from the mid-first century to the fourth century), the Gospel of Mary (attributed to the teachings of Mary Magdalene, but probably written in the second century by non-Jews (Gentiles)). [iv]
  • Athanasius, The Archbishop of Alexandria, who sent out an Easter letter all over Egypt in the spring of 367, ordering believers to reject what be called ‘illegitimate and secret books’…. also included a list of twenty-seven books of which he approved, calling them the ‘springs of salvation’.  Strikingly, the twenty-seven books he names in this letter are precisely those that came to constitute the collection we call the ‘New Testament’ for which this letter provides our earliest known list.“
  • “But apparently some monks defied the archbishop’s order to reject all the rest; instead, they saved and protected over fifty texts from their library by sealing them in a heavy jar and burying them away from the monastery walls, under the cliff where they were found sixteen hundred years later[v] (1945).  Is this then a time capsule?
  • The books of I & II Timothy were evidently written by Paul while he was in chains in Rome. The aged Paul is passing the proverbial torch of the Gospel to the much younger Timothy, who Paul was quite familiar with through Timothy’s mother and grandmother.  Paul, in his first letter to Timothy in chapter 2 of the NIV Bible, is telling Timothy how he wants the women of the church to dress, wear their hair and accessories appropriate for “women to perform good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.”
  • Considering our National Security is at risk I don’t think the mention of “worship” in I Timothy can justify not following the second of the Ten Guidelines: a successful nation should not be overrun by its enemies!
  • In general, Paul’s theology is that Christians sacrificing their bodies to God as workman for God. This is Paul’s new definition of “worship.”
  • Does this new definition of “worship” exempt us from the benefits provided by the second of the Ten Guidelines for a successful nation?  Or does this new definition result in a nation operating at such a low operating efficiency that their national debt becomes unpayable with their GDP?  As our second president John Adams stated, “There are two ways to conquer a nation: war and debt.”
  •  My personal experience is that people who place their life’s priority on worship cause much of the turmoil in the world.  It seems we cannot all agree on who or how we are worshiping and this results in discourse, both nationally and personally.  It looks as though worship creates “sacred cows” that must be protected to the death.
  • My high school girlfriend did not receive any of my letters when I came out west. She was brought up Catholic and I was brought up Lutheran, so those were justifiable reasons for someone who has a priority in protecting their “sacred cow” to intercept my letters.  When I got her on the phone, planning to attend a 35-year class reunion, the first thing I heard was, “You have a lot of explaining to do!”  She had been searching for me for thirty-five years!
  • When my wife of Catholic upbringing reacted to my joining a Baptist Church (a heretic church as she had been taught), she felt a great need to rescue the children from the heretics and filed and proceeded through with a divorce!
  • My daughter, who was twelve at the conclusion of these divorce proceedings, was in the full custody of her mother and no visitation rights to her father.  My daughter never received any of the half dozen expensive music boxes that I brought to her home with her mother for her birthday and Christmas gifts.  Was her mother protecting her children from the heretics?  What kind of worship do these actions represent?  Is the church of your youth a “sacred cow?”
  • Worship does not create cohesion of those who call themselves Christian, but worship causes discourse not only among Christians, but of non-Christians.
  • I have accounts of two Protestant churches that I’ve been involved with during the past thirty-eight years that illustrate the same point as the two above, and that is that worship creates “sacred cows” that must be defended at all cost even to the detriment of church members in good standing.
  • The Protestant churches have a major inertia problem preventing them from moving forward with new enlightenment.  That problem is professional Christians.  Professional Christians must “preach to the choir.”  That is they have to teach the children and adults of the church the same doctrine as their parents and themselves were taught or these church members will vote with their feet and leave that church for another church, taking their church contributions with them.  This leaves the professional Christians without an income.  Paul, as a tent maker, had the right idea. Paul being supported by the members of his churches was a good idea in theory, but not practical in execution.
  • Then there are those who worship God with a different name or in a different tradition than any of the Christian sects.  Some of these extremists are threating our own national security today!
  • Claiming that we can redefine worship to give a different purpose to our lives, as Paul intended, is well and good in theory but, in practice, the same results are obtained as if these were the worship of idols as stated in the second of the Ten Guidelines for a successful nations!
  • Worship is not mentioned or even given and honorable mention in John chapters 14 & 16.  The focus on the departure from this planet Earth is on the RoCoU sending us a personal advocate, counselor, Holy Spirit, etc. to guide us through this life on Earth.

Summary

 

In regard to national security, nothing that man has thought up could surpass this gift of a personal guide through life. There is no possibility that a “sacred cow” could be made of this gift and therefore not a threat to our national security or discourse within our nation among our citizens.

 

Conclusion

In a nutshell, the Ten Guidelines, Ten Codes of Conduct, or, as the religious demand, Ten Commandments recorded in Exodus chapter twenty were given to a new-forming nation that was given land to build their nation.  These Ten Guidelines, when followed, would give this new nation a high economic operating efficiency.   Their national debt would not be skyrocketing out of control, exceeding their capacity to even make payments on the interest to the loans from other countries.  They would be a stronger nation than their competitors’ nations and would not be overrun by their neighbors.  These Ten Guidelines are all about national security and influence to the world.

Q.E.D.

[i] Albert Einstein, “Theory of Relativity”, E=MC2; Energy and Matter are interchangeable

[ii] The Gospel of Mary, “THE NAG HAMMADI SCRIPTURES”, “THE REVISED AND UPDATED TRANSLATION OF SACRED GNOSTIC TEXTS,”, The International Edition, Edited by Marvin Meyer, 2007, P 742

[iii] Thomas Samuel Kuhn ; July 18, 1922 – June 17, 1996),https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradigm

[iv] Ibid iI, pp133-138, p 739,

[v] Ibid iI, pp6-7

The Bullies

The Bullies ver. 2.0.2

The Top Gun National Crises Troubleshooter, Retired

https://gadflyblog.com/tag/bullies

12/17/2017

Introduction

Bullies come in different shapes and sizes and from different families of origin, with and without siblings.   There are three basic types of bullies: physical bullies, verbal bullies and in-your-face bullies.  There are several well-known tactics to deal with these bullies.  These bullies think that their behavior is normal, as many have no doubt learned to be a bully by the time they were six years old. [i]

Physical Bullies

Physical bullies are those children or young adults you meet on the way to school.  This was prevalent at least during the days when we allowed our children to walk to school – a rare occasion in today’s world – as some of these physical bullies were allowed to grow up without correction or, in other circumstances, in unsupervised areas or even from supervision itself!  The standard format to take care of these young bullies was to show them that you would not be bullied.

Case Study I

This writer was serving our country in support of LBJ’s War in Vietnam, and was living in a barracks known as “chicken coops,” as the barracks were screened in from top to bottom, with a wall in between.  They remained this way all year round.  Between two chicken coops was the latrine with showers.  One evening I was walking from the latrine dressed only in my shorts and wearing thongs.  Two young men approached me at the entrance.  One of them said to the other, “Watch this for how to start a fight.”  I was standing as in parade rest with my hands free.  I have seen this approach before in a scene from the film, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” where Butch Cassidy, played by Paul Newman, approached one of his underlings who was challenging his authority.  Butch let him have it with a kick to his manhood.  As this young man came at me intending to do the same, unaware of my fast reflexes, I sidestepped his kick and got my right arm under his right arm, thrust it upwards and came down with an elbow to his kidney zone.  He ended up sprawled out next to the water cooler. I kicked off my thongs and took up the karate ready-to-fight position. His buddy said something to him to call him off and he said, “We’re done.”  I put my thongs back on and returned to my bunk never to see this young man again.

 Case Study II   

My son reported that a physical bully was making it difficult for him to get to his grade school, which was no more than a walk of four blocks. At this time, I had physical custody of my son and also had two roommates who were brothers. Both of these brothers held black belts in karate.  I asked one of these brothers to teach my son enough karate to take care of this bully that was making it difficult for him to walk to school.  After several sessions with this black belt karate instructor, my son made his karate knowledge known to this physical bully.  He never had a problem walking to school after this one exhibition.

Case Study III

In high school a lastborn in his family (another birth-order to find bullies) would see me coming down the hallway carrying a stack of books in front of me.  He took advantage of this situation and slapped the books out of my hands to the floor!  On another occasion when we were taking an unsupervised exam, I passed in front of him with my paper in my hand.  He again slapped my paper to the floor.  I reached down with my left hand and picked up the paper.  With my right hand I backhanded him and knocked him to the floor.  He got up and attacked me with both his fists flying.  Having performed research into boxing myself, I deflected all of his attempts to land a punch until we hear the supervising teacher returning. Later when I was in the gym putting on my basketball shoes, he approached me and apologized for his behavior.

Although the Representative of the Creator, a.k.a. Jesus, taught us to turn the other cheek when hit, he was encompassed in an authoritarian society and to return a punch would certainly result in death.  In this situation it is better to turn the other cheek and show them that you can take their bullying.

Verbal Bullies

There are four categories of verbal bullies. The first category includes those that grow up with a same-sex sibling within a couple of years of their age.  If they grew up bullying this younger sibling, then that personality trait would likely have become dominate by the time they were six years old. [ii]  If they had grown up with more knowledgeable parents, (authoritative rather than authoritarian)[iii]  they may have grown up looking after their younger sibling. But in any case, they certainly would have been more assertive than their younger sibling. In the workforce these will be the “take charge” people and they will want the work done “their way.”   The second category includes those that grow up being mostly exposed to older adults such as the only child or a distant lastborn child.  There are two categories of only children: the pure only child and the functional only child. Functional only children grew up as only children for various reasons (e.g. separation of family of origin, death of a sibling, more than six years between them and the next same sex sibling).[iv] Several of our U.S. presidents fall into the category of functional only children (Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Herbert Hoover, Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Gerald R. Ford, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama). [v] Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, the Russian president, is an example of a true only child. Even the little prince or princess that gets treated as special can develop this “only child syndrome.” For example, Joseph in the Old Testament was treated as special and even given a special coat to wear; he was sold off as a slave by his siblings but ended up the second in command in Egypt.  3) The third category includes those that demonstrate verbal attacking rants (VARs) often right in your face.  The origin of this behavior is varied; sometimes it is an inherited trait or it could be the result of a medical surgery procedure.  4) The fourth category is the highly educated bully (I know more than you bully).  These are probably the most difficult bullies to deal with as they are probably also either a firstborn or only child or a younger sibling following their role model older sibling.

The older sibling, with a near younger same-sex sibling, that turned out to be a bully will have a communication style of “I win, you lose.”  The only child often possesses a communication style of “in your face” or “I want this” or I want that.” The “I” word will come up often, as in “look what I have accomplished,”  “Look what I did,” etc.  A functional only child may even be made to feel more important if they experienced the death of a sibling that was close in age to them, as they may now have been treated as extra special by their parents and were given anything they wanted and more. A characterization of the only child syndrome by my late sister with an only child son-in-law was, “They are good people, and they just need to be mellowed a bit.” This was also characterized by my niece as, “It’s my way or the highway.” According to Dr. Kevin Leman, “They know they are right, even when they are not.” [vi] And in Dr. Leman’s “The Birth Order Book,” he writes, “Show me a young person that prefers to be around older people than people their own age, and I will show you an only child.”[vii]

Case Study IV

A few decades ago, I was being introduced to my new research partner; she was being introduced to me by the lead program manager in my laboratory.  She was going to design the experiments and I was going to perform the experiments. The first words from her were, “I want this over there and I want that over here.”  She gave these orders in such a strong manner that she blew me off my chair!  I picked myself up and stated, “I don’t want that over there and I don’t want this over here. I want that over there and I want this over here!”  She looked at the program manager with an open mouth.  The program manager stated, “See, he can do that too.”

This was not an unusual confrontation at this national employer, as there was a filter on the front door that only allowed “The Best of the Best” to enter though these doors.  With that type of filter on the front door in an academically-minded institution, the ones who meet these qualities will most likely be the firstborn in their family of origin or an only child, as these are the typical academic achievers. [viii]  Therefore, this institution had continuous contracts with professional communication instructors, and when it was needed, we got sent to rehabilitation to produce teamwork communication, a.k.a., assertive win-win communication skills.

This young lady, who graduated at the top of her class at MIT and was the only child of two PhD’s, certainly met the requirements to be the best of the best to enter through the front door.  I myself had been pulled aside by my manager of the time and told to “lighten up.” I received my invitation to attend these special teamwork communication classes. I, too, had graduated at the top of my college graduating class and both of my parents were college graduates and my father was a doctor of veterinary medicine. For my generation, I represented less than three percent of the US population in the families of origin.

Although I was the youngest of eight and my father was fifty-one years old and my mother thirty-nine years old when I was born, I still qualified as a functional only child. Like many first generation middle class parents, they had more children than they could send to college.  When I was still on my tricycle, three of my sisters came home from out-of-state college to hear that their college funding was being terminated and that it was more important for males to go to college than females, who in those days’ women went to college to marry a college man.  In my last semester in high school, my father died and it was determined by my five sisters that I was too stupid to go to college.

Good things often result from not-so-good circumstances.  I ended up in the U.S. Air Force in LBJ’s War in South Vietnam.  My sergeant recognized that I had natural troubleshooting abilities as a jet engine mechanic on the flight line, which was something I would never have recognized myself.  After my tour of active duty ended, I enrolled in a technical college. My Physical Metallurgy professor employed me to help him with a research project one summer.  I brought his project to a successful conclusion; He thought I was the most advanced student to ever come through that college.  When brought on staff at this national research institution, I brought several programs that were in trouble across the finish line successfully. When this young lady from MIT and I joined a special task force to troubleshoot a major issue for the Department of Defense, where she was made taskforce leader, and I was the troubleshooter, we worked well as a team. When I got my insight to the cause of the problem and put this insight up to the program leader, another experimental group verified the information and the task-force was disbanded.  When this young lady from MIT and now Stanford with a Master’s degree left this institution to do more domestic projects, she identified me as the “nation’s secret weapon,” and I accepted this status as “The Top Gun National Crises Troubleshooter.

The Importance of having Professional Communicators on Contract

This case study is presented to show how valuable professional interpersonal communication instructors are to an organization.  This writer has noticed that some interpersonal communication seminars in churches tend to lean on theology or philosophy to teach interpersonal communications.  Some colleges teach communications classes as a class in human resources, where the focus is on “The Myers–Briggs Type Indicator,” (MBTI) where one can find out their strengths to succeed in a profession and what personalities make up an effective team. In fact, MBTI was first formulated to place women in the workforce effectively during World War II. It now finds wide use in many areas.  Dr. Kevin Leman is internationally known as the guru of Adlerian Psychology that focuses on birth order in the family of origin and the skill packages that are developed from this learned environmental knowledge.   Instructors like Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D. promote hands-on techniques to be used during a conversation. He states, “It is not how you became what you are that’s important, but what works.”  His techniques of what works with bullies and manipulators include: “Broken Record,” “Fogging,” “Free Information,” “Negative Assertion,” “Negative Inquiry,” “Self-Disclosure,” and “Workable Compromise.”[ix]

Interpersonal Communication Techniques Explained [x]

Broken Record: A skill, by calm repetition – saying what you want over and over again – teaches persistence without you having to rehearse arguments or angry feelings beforehand, in order to be ‘up’ for dealing with others.

Effect: Allows you to feel comfortable in ignoring manipulative verbal side traps, argumentative baiting, irrelevant logic, while sticking to your desired point.

Fogging: A skill that teaches acceptance of manipulative criticism by calmly acknowledging to your critic the probability that there may be some truth in what he says, yet allows you to remain your own judge of what you do.

Example: That’s true. I …”

Effect: Allows you to receive criticism comfortably without becoming anxious or defensive, while giving no reward to those using manipulative criticism.  

Free Information: A skill that teaches the recognition of simple cues given by a social partner in everyday conversation to indicate what is interesting or important to that person.

Effect: Allows you to feel less shy in entering into conversation while at the same time prompting social partners to talk more easily about themselves. 

Negative Assertion: A skill that teaches acceptance of your errors and faults (without having to apologize) by strongly and sympathetically agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of your negative qualities.

Effect: Allows you to look more comfortably at negatives in your own behavior or personality without feeling defensive and anxious, resorting to denial of real error, while at the same time reducing our critic’s anger or hostility.

Example: “You didn’t do too well in (criticism).” “You’re right. I wasn’t too smart in the way I handled that, was I?” “That was a dumb thing for me to do.” Use this technique in non-legal matters ONLY!

Negative Inquiry: A skill that teaches the active prompting of criticism in order to use the information (if helpful) or exhaust it (if manipulative), while prompting your critic to be more assertive and less dependent on manipulative ploys.

 Effect: Allows you more comfortably to seek out criticism about yourself in close relationships while prompting the other person to express honest negative feelings and improve communication.

Example: “What was it about … that is wrong?”  “What was it that I … that was wrong?”

Self-Disclosure: A skill that teaches the acceptance and initiation of discussion of both the positive and negative aspects of your personality, behavior, lifestyle intelligence, to enhance social communication and reduce manipulation.

Effect: Allows you comfortably to disclose aspects of yourself and your life that previously caused feelings of ignorance, anxiety, or guilt.” 

Example: “I like …” or “I don’t like …”, etc.

Workable compromise: In using your verbal assertive skills, it is practical, whenever you feel that your self-respect is not in question, to offer a workable compromise to the other person.  You can always bargain for your material goals unless the compromise affects your personal feelings of self-respect.  If the end goal involves a matter of your self-worth, however, there can be no compromise.

The Bully Solution 

The solution to the physical bully has not changed over the centuries, although the Representative of the Creator of the Universe, a.k.a. Jesus, said to turn the other cheek. The standard action for a physical bully is to let them know that you are not going to be bullied (an option more applicable in a “Free Society”). The bully probably does not even know that they are a bully as they have been this way all of their lives. For them, this is normal; they just need a notification of being a bully.

There are a few solutions to a verbal bully. If it is attacking criticism or rebuttal, this can be neutralized and made beneficial by a technique call “fogging.” [xi]  Fogging is built on the metaphor that receiving criticism is like a stone that is thrown at a brick wall. The stone will rebound and the criticizer can pick the stone up again and throw it at the target.  However, if the target acts like a fog bank, the stone disappears harmlessly into the fog and defenses are mitigated.

The Rants

The assertive stance is a way of allowing their rant to continue unhindered.  This technique is useful for the in-your-face rants.  The assertive stance is feet spread at shoulder width, hands clasped behind the back and head and eyes straight ahead (the “Parade Rest” position). This allows the target of the rant to avoid getting involved with the rant.  For those who have formed a habit of rants, especially if it is over a phone, a more active tactic is required in response.  In this case, the target simply addresses the rants at the same time as they are coming until the rant ceases.  Then a question can be put forward such as “Now what did you want to talk about?”

Case Study V

It has been observed in females younger than middle aged that may have had the major female surgery to remove their reproductive system tend to exhibit this in-your-face rant (rights to privacy prevent confirming this data). I first noticed this rant behavior within a week of my wife’s major surgery.  Not only face to face or nose to nose, but over the telephone as well.  I once received one of these calls while in the kitchen with two of my housemates.  I held the phone out at arm’s length.  Both of my housemates agreed that no one should have to listen to this.  After about ten years of these phone calls, I received one while in my lab at work.  One of my coworkers suggested, after a similar incident involving a “Type A” project leader (people who are known to “unload on someone”), to give it back to them as it is being dished out.  On this occasion I tried out this suggestion with my now ex-wife and fed information back as fast as I was receiving this attacking rant.  She finally stopped the rant and I asked, “What was it that you wanted to talk about?” I took the position that one cannot go out and find a new mother for their children, and the situation had to be handled the best that it could be handled.

On the wife’s first exploratory visit to the surgeon, he told her that a number of women who had this operation ended up divorced.  When she brought this information home we both agreed that divorce was not an issue about which  we needed to be concerned.  Within six months of this major surgery, she filed for a divorce.  Now, decades later, our son is functioning as her significant other, as it seems that this is the only relationship she is able to maintain with her tendency to go into the attacking rant mode.  I have also met some young, middle aged, sons who seem to be functioning as their mother’s significant other.  How wide spread is this phenomenon?

Case Study VI 

I was on a troubleshooting assignment at a manufacturing plant on the east coast, trying to solve the production problems with a state-of-the-art high field superconductor.  This was not a large facility and the offices were adjacent to the production line.  They had what they called their “meter-high quality control officer.” She actually was about a meter (three feet) tall.  It didn’t seem to matter what one said to her to put her into attacking rant mode.  My office was nearest the production line and I could hear the general manager trying to calm her down in a distant closed office.  He was receiving what can only be considered as extreme abuse from this meter-high QC officer.  It took about a year and a half to solve the production problems and bring this project to a successful conclusion.  On returning back to the west coast, this general manager, who was a personal friend of our program manager (both were Englishmen in the same vocation), visited us in California. He had been dismissed as the general manager and he had come to realize that his brain had been significantly abused and that he was no longer able to make good executive decisions, bringing to the point that one must either control these verbal abusers or face serious brain damage from their attacking rants.

Sexual Assault by a Bully

In the present age, we are seeing more reports of sexual misconduct by bullies.  It is not surprising to see some of these men, who have employment power over women and are not physically or mentally attractive to women, ending up using their employment power to sexually abuse their subordinates.  This abuse may have its origin in an over-controlled society. Brothels have been in use for centuries to meet the needs of men and women who otherwise could not find a sexual partner.  Brothels that are well-regulated by health authorities are still functioning in parts of the U.S.  Regulated brothels would reduce or eliminate underage prostitution, rape, assaults against women and human trafficking.  Brothels offered up as a career option instead of a vice would certainly be going against the grain in a religiously controlled society. Both options of career or vice have their positives and negatives.

Reflective or Active Listening

Reflective or active listening serves a couple of purposes.  1) The target summarizes or paraphrases what the verbal bully is saying and confirms their complaint or position.  2) The target is given time to think of their response.  This technique is something like counting to ten before returning the punch!  3) If the verbal bully is attacking with a question, repeat or rephrase the question, and then answer the question.  This technique also allows the target time to think before responding. This technique is sometimes used by politicians, only they may even go so far as to change the question to one they can answer!  Q.E.D.  

[i] Dr. Kevin Leman, “The New Birth Oder Book”, 2015. http://drleman.com/

[ii] ibid

[iii] Diana Baumrind, http://persweb.wabash.edu/facstaff/hortonr/articles%20for%20class/baumrind.pdf, EBSCO Pub. 2003, PP 890-91

[iv] Ibid (i)

[v] http://deadpresidents.tumblr.com/post/15457991558/which-presidents-were-the-oldest-child-the/

[vi] Dr. Kevin Leman, “The First Born Advantage”, pub. Revell, 2008, p69

[vii] Dr. Kevin Leman, “The Birth Order Book”, pub. Revell, 2015, pp131-148

[viii] Ibid (i)

[ix] Manuel J. Smith, PhD., “When I say no, I feel guilty”, Bantam Books, 1975, pp 323-324

[x] Ibid

[xi] Ibid p323, pp 104-115

The Rescuer Complex

The Rescuer Complex ver. 1.0.4

“The Top Gun National Troubleshooter,” Retired

http:gadflyblog.com/tag/rescuer/

9/29/2017

Introduction

Much information has been written on the subject of “The Rescuer Complex.”  On subjects such as “Adult Children of Alcoholics,[i] it has been observed that the rescue complex is inevitable in children that grow up in alcoholic homes or drug addiction homes.  This observation has been expanded to include “very religious parents.”  Transactional analysis [ii] describes the rescuer complex as one who continually rescues a victim from an aggressor.  In transactional analysis, the aggressor is from the victim’s and rescuer’s perspective.   The rescuer complex can be directed toward the opposite sex.  This behavior has been observed of a teaching pastor in a local church who constantly came to the rescue of women in his church.   Unfortunately, the supposed aggressor now becomes the victim of the aggressive rescuer.  Thus this cycle of aggressor, victim and rescuer continues in a cycle.  The supposed aggressor is now the victim, and the rescuer the new aggressor, so who is going to rescue the new victim from the new aggressor?  The new rescuer is usually called “the organization,” as by now this is an organizational issue.

The Authoritarian and the Authoritative Parent

On reading Dr. Kevin Leman’s latest book “The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are,” [iii]  this writer noticed his definition of authoritarian and the authoritative parent, and the different results produced in the children who grow up in these two very different homes.  Other authors have denoted alcoholic parents or very religious parents as having an aggressive communication style; [iv]  Dr. Leman now describes them as authoritarian parents.  Authoritarian parents can also be denoted as parents who have an “I win, you lose” communication style.

A definition of authoritarian and authoritative parents was reported in study by The University of California, Berkeley in 2003: [v]

Authoritarian

“The authoritative parent attempts to shape, control and evaluate the behavior and attitudes of the child in accordance with a standard of conduct, usually an absolute standard, theologically motivated and formulated by a higher authority.  …………”

Authoritative

“The authoritative parent attempts to direct the child’s activities in a rational, issue-orientated manner.  She encourages verbal give and take, shares with the child the reasoning behind her policies, and solicits his objections when he refuses to conform. ………..”

Conclusion

This writer was identified, by his sergeant of flight-line jet engine mechanics in support of LBJ’s war in Vietnam, as a natural born troubleshooter.  That was over fifty troubleshooting years ago and what has been indelibly etched in this mind is this: “Before attempting to solve a problem, the problem must first be properly defined; failure to properly define the problem before solving the problem and taking action on the resulting solution will result in a bigger problem to solve.”   Having properly defining a problem the solution will be obvious.”

The contrast between these two definitions – authoritarian and authoritative parents – presents a very well-defined problem to the origin of The Rescuer Complex being the direct result of a parent’s authoritarian, aggressive, “I win, you lose” communication style, regardless of the type of dysfunctional family of origin, be it alcohol or drug addiction, et al.

Now that the problem has been properly defined the solution should be obvious.  Is it any wonder why many people with this “Rescue Complex” find themselves in a church?  The main mission of the Christian Church is to “Rescue (Save) People”.  Finding the solution to their “Rescue Complex” is the responsibility of the individual.

Q.E.D.

[i] Janet G. Woititz , “Adult Children of Alcoholics”, Health Communication Inc. , Nov 1, 1990

[ii] Eric Berne, “Games People Play”: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis., Aug 27, 1996

[iii] Dr. Kevin Leman “The Birth Order book”, Revell pub., 2009

[iv] Ibid i

[v] Diana Baumrind, http://persweb.wabash.edu/facstaff/hortonr/articles%20for%20class/baumrind.pdf, EBSCO Pub. 2003, PP 890-91